• Quiet Red Media

You're Pissing Me Off #1

Updated: Aug 18, 2018

YPMO #1: My Epic Battle With a Pack of Batteries





Yesterday, I had to replace the batteries in my key fob, because, ya know, turning your wrist in a clockwise or counterclockwise motion is archaic. What is the point of a key that doesn’t unlock your stuff? I have to have a battery and a key for that to work? Bah! Anyway, I went to the store to resolve this issue and there it was, calling to me, a shiny new pack of batteries in all their silvery goodness. They were mine! “The burning dilemma currently plaguing me shall be quenched!”


"VICTORY!"

I got back to my car and, excited to quell the rising aggravation of not being able to enter my own vehicle, produced the glorious little package that held all the answers to my problems, and here’s where it all fell apart. Instead of providing me with the elation and closure I’d hoped for, this dastardly little piece of aggro-trash proceeded to launch me into a rage of which I’ve not experienced since my mother told me she loved me in front of the cool kids in 6th grade. Don’t lie, you hated it too.


THIS LITTLE BASTARD absolutely refused to give me what I needed. It fought and resisted with a valiant fervor. I dare say, it almost broke me. What ever happened to a simple clamshell package? Why must it be fully sealed in adamantium plastic?! Here I was, thinking I’d gotten past the difficult part of finding a ride to transport me to a hub of goods, fighting my way through the dense mass of bodies (I remember a halberd being involved), and gathering the courage to speak to another human being long enough to facilitate the necessary transaction, only to find that my woes were just beginning. I had the fight of my life ahead of me!


"Bad battery"

Oh, but I prevailed. That’s right, I tore that little s.o.b. open like a hungry, rabid monkey looking for clam meat in a snow storm, three feet from a cliff's edge, with a half-starving polar bear on his ass. After digging at this thing with my stupid keys, which, as it turns out, are not meant for this sort of thing, for what seemed like an endless, never-ending, absolute eternity, I finally got it open. Needless to say, I won that bout in emphatic fashion, and my hand was raised. Actually, I raised both hands and gave a little chin nudge, just to be a dick. It was well-deserved, so don’t judge me!


However, it’s haunted my dreams ever since. This ordeal made me feel as though I needed to bring this to the people, so that they may never experience the immense pain and exhaustion I so bravely endured. And it was brave, make no mistake. You should’ve seen this thing, it was terrifying… all shiny and… plastic-y.


So, I say this-


If you buy a pack of 2032 batteries and you don’t have a sharp object, or at the very least, vampire teeth, then I implore you, please do yourself a favor and find a toothy vampire.


That is all.